Are loneliness and being alone the same?
Loneliness is something we all can relate to on a global level. With the pandemic and quarantine and now everybody working like crazy, so many of us experienced extreme feelings of isolation and separation from others. When we first went into lock down, I just ended a three year long relationship and moved back home with may parents. You'd think I'd be just about the loneliest person on the planet and at first I was, but then I threw myself into hobbies I really enjoyed, made a constant effort to facetime my friends, and was exercising regularly. This helped me be able to enjoy being alone.
The first thing I want us all to understand, is that there is a clear difference between being alone and being lonely. You can have one without the other. Being alone is a state of being - you are physically by yourself. Being lonely is a state of mind. This is why you can be around people and still feel lonely. Understanding loneliness is an important part of learning how to cope with it.
Social media made it easer to "connect" with other people, but social media actually deepens the feelings of loneliness - it's not real connection, sometimes we aren't even talking to other people, just watching their lives and dropping likes.
Many people define loneliness based on the amount of time a person spends with family or friends, but like we just figured out, that's finding yourself being along. Loneliness is much more than this and related to the quality of time or intimacy of your relationships and your feelings of worthiness.
What loneliness does to the body
Loneliness can lead to unhappiness and weight gain, sleep deprivation, poor heart health, and a weakened immune system. Loneliness can also put your body under more stress than normal. Loneliness actually increased the amount of stress hormones your body is making and you miss out on dopamine hits from positively connecting with others, so it puts you in more of a fight or flight state. An increased amount of stress can increase blood pressure and your white blood cell count which causes inflammation. Being lonely also affect your memory and problem-solving skills. Some studies even suggest that there may be a link between loneliness and an increased risk for developing dementia and Alzheimer's.
Where loneliness comes from
There are many different reasons that we feel lonely. Being physically isolated from people is a significant factor, but have you ever found yourself around people, maybe at a party or just with your friends and family and you still feel alone and empty? In addition to being isolated and not physically around other people loneliness can be caused by an inability to connect with others on a deeper, more intimate level. Maybe you have friends, family, and people you interact with regularly but your engagement with them is only at a very surface level. Your relationships are casual and you don't have anybody who really "gets" you. Your interactions don’t feel connected in a way that is fulfilling and this disconnection seems never ending. Diving deeper into WHY you feel this disconnection from others is a crucial part to healing from it and finding ways to deepen your connections. Maybe you have a fear of intimacy from a relationship in the past, maybe you're surrounding yourself with surface level people to ignore greater issues, maybe it's due to feelings of unworthiness, or many other reasons. I can't make assumptions about what's going on, so only take what resonates with you, but working one-on-one together I can help you find understanding. Once we understand why, we can release old beliefs and plant new ideas in our brain that help us to counter our previous beliefs, fears, and feelings.
When you try to connect or reach out, it’s not reciprocated, and you’re not seen or heard. While you’d like a deeper connection, they don’t seem interested. Or maybe your existing friends have entered a new phase that means they no longer have time for the things you all used to do — everyone has started working very long hours, or has started a family, so that your social scene has changed.
Poor self esteem increases feeling lonely
Negative feelings of self-doubt and self-worth increase your likelihood of feeling lonely whether your with people or by yourself. Does it feel like you are always less than enough? Or like people don't and won't understand you? When we hold these limiting beliefs about ourselves, it's hard to feel worthy of genuine connections or enjoy our own company. It's hard to even believe the connections we have might actually be what we're looking for because it's so engrained in us that, for whatever reason, we aren't deserving. Having these insecurities and lack of confidence and self love also makes it near impossible to enjoy your own company, so alone time is extremely uncomfortable. Then we go seeking out surface level social experiences to avoid the discomfort. Or we feel unworthy so we never take the first step in reaching out to others. All of this just continues the cycle of loneliness.
The song "Modern Loneliness" by Lauv paints a really clear picture of what I'm talking about here…
"Modern loneliness, we're never alone
But always depressed, yeah
Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text, yeah
You get what you give and give what you get, so
Modern loneliness, we love to get high
But we don't know how to come down"
Will loneliness ever go away
Of course it will! You just have to put a little time and effort into helping heal yourself. It's easier said than done of course, but I promise it's possible. If you need extra help getting there, send me an email at roxanne@move4mind.com and we can discuss working one-on-one to build a personalized approach for your healing.
A good thing to do when you're feeling lonely is reach out for connection. Whether you call an old friend or family member to take some time to chat and deepen the relationship, or you go out seeking new companionship, spending quality time with other people can make you feel less isolated. You can choose to talk about your feelings or not. It's entirely up to you. If you're looking to meet new people I encourage you to seek out people with similar interests - there's this app called meet up and you can join groups that have all kinds of interests; mindfulness, art, writing, religion, self development. Volunteering, hobby clubs, workout groups, and other opportunities, can help boost self-esteem and provide a safe and satisfying way to connect with others. You can even join support groups if you've lost a loved one or are going through divorce/a break up.
In addition to seeking meaningful connections, addressing your self confidence and negative self talk and beliefs can be beneficial in combating loneliness. This can be done through positive affirmations, releasing thoughts and feelings that are no longer serving you, engaging in activities and hobbies that make you feel whole, taking time to connect with and understand your inner child with play, creative expression, and limiting your time on social media.
Do you want to better understand why you're feeling lonely and where it came from? Are you looking to build your self confidence and self love pratice? Are you looking to feel happier and healthier? Join me for a mindful movement group class (move4mind.com/classes), work with me personally to craft an individualized approach to your healing (roxanne@move4mind.com), or a combination of the two to put yourself on the wellness fast track. Only you can decide what's best for you.
Thank you for your time.
Wishing you light and love,
Roxanne
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